I once played with a piece of tape sticking it and unsticking it many times. When I needed the tape it didn’t work anymore. Any relationship you enter before marriage comes at the expense of true intimacy.
We’re so careful to protect ourselves from physical harm, not to fall get hurt or feel physical pain. But at the same time we are so oblivious the emotional harm we bring upon ourselves. But our souls are harmed by the foolish things we do as much as our bodies are!
An 18 year old girl who went from relationship to relationship, one after the other cried out and said: “I don’t want to get mixed up in another relationship for the rest of my life!” She seems a young woman but inside she is an old woman that suffered countless hardships and heartbreaks!
We need to watch our souls also; not just watch our bodies.
A relationship between a man and a woman is full of powerful emotion. When you initiate a relationship even in jest you expose your feelings and make yourself vulnerable. Even if you avoid physical contact you are still giving up a lot.
Every time you end a relationship you pay for it again. You can’t just walk away saying “it was but it is no longer”. Your self-confidence erodes and your soul doesn’t anymore believe in a permanent relationship where your husband can be a good and reliable person.
This is a vicious cycle. When you meet your future husband you may be coming from a paradigm of needing to protect yourself and lack of trust. You will have great difficulty in opening up and your chances for success are low. The best way to avoid getting into this defensive mode is to; from the outset avoid unnecessary relationships except for the only one that will matter; a true relationship with the husband you married.
It is appropriate to briefly mention and share in the pain of those women that ended a relationship being hurt physically sometimes irreversibly besides the damage to their soul and psyche. No one wanted it to turn out that way but it happened and the clock can’t be rolled back.
“If people really valued their heart they would make sure not to break it.”
The first of the priestly blessings is “May G-d bless you and protect you.” The Midrash explains: “You should be blessed- with boys and you should be protected- with girls. This tells us that girls need (more) protection.”
A common saying: “I have a relationship but I have my boundaries.”
Many women and girls rely on themselves saying “It’s true I have a relationship with a man but I have my boundaries. I have my red lines that I will never cross come what may.” They just don’t realize how many women said those words before they did…
Be forewarned: You agreed to a relationship you gave up control. Period! You will face one of three options down the line:
Option one: In spite of your red lines you went along and gave into temptation (it’s almost impossible to have a long term relationship without something developing…)
Option two: He dragged you into it though you didn’t want to. (He also will initially promise you up and down that he doesn’t want to get more than just being friends and then…)
Option three (the most painful): You are more vulnerable to being taken advantage of by one of his friends! If you spend time with his friends or altogether spend any time in mixed company with boys and girls you basically relinquish control over your body!
(Even that young woman who ‘just’ wanted to go out and have a good time with her friend found herself a few hours later laying on the pavement violated and humiliated no able to remember how she got there what happened and with whom…)
But maybe I’m missing out on something?
It’s quite possible you will feel like you are losing something by not entering a relationship. You are drawn to ‘something out there’ and you just want a small taste of the experience… The temptation to try and not lose on the deal is great. Many women fell into this trap. Do yourself a favor and don’t be seduced by this prospect.
If you know a woman who was there, try gently asking her if she would change anything if she could re-live her life. They all will answer you: “I wish I could have skipped over all these things. They take away your sensitivity and feeling. These things do away with the uniqueness of a relationship with the true man meant to be your husband. Earlier memories disturb your current relationship. The comparisons are difficult. If I had the chance to erase memories, I’d be the most fortunate person!”
Many people admitted: “Even in times of closeness, I can’t forget my previous boy/girlfriend”.
“I have a pencil to write my future but I have no eraser to erase my past.”
Remember you don’t lose out from holding yourself back now and protecting yourself. You will be happily married with G-d’s help and you will be glad about the moments you overcame temptation, held back and protected yourself.
Here’s a useful tip. Take a sentence and make it your mantra to repeat over and over during difficult times: “It’s difficult but it’s worth it!! It’s so worth it!!”
When you find life difficult raise your head up and use it, don’t throw your hands up in despair…
In conclusion:
Holding back before marriage doesn’t steal pleasure away from you. Quite the opposite, they allow you to get the greatest benefit and pleasure from life and from your marriage and intimacy possible.
G-d doesn’t want you to limit you just to give you a hard time! He knows what is best for you better than anyone else! He, more than anyone else, wants you to have it truly good. That is why He asks of you, for your own good, protect your honor! You have a ‘one and only’ that you will belong to; just him. Spare yourself the heartache, shame and disappointments. Keep to your principles and save yourself for Mr. Right.
Stay clear of unnecessary relationships. It’s not only a religious thing; it is for your quality of life!