Why is the concept of “marriages being made in heaven” so important? As incredible as it may seem, it is the basis for harmony in the home.
In the spiritual sense, the marital unit is a pre-existing entity. Both husband and wife are part of one Whole which G-d intended to unite through marriage. The Zohar describes a marriage as the union of two half-souls. These halves were clothed in separate bodies as the soul descended upon the earth, only to be reunited by marriage. This soul bond is divinely predestined.
It is a long and absorbing journey, though, between the meeting and the true reuniting of two half-souls. Many make the error of assuming that if only they can succeed in finding their soulmates from amid the sea of souls, the rest is easy. The couple will live “happily ever after” because their marriage was “made in heaven.” Actually, finding each other is a lifelong process. It involves challenging struggles which help each find out what the other half of his or her soul is all about, as well as a better understanding of what his or her own half contains.
Standing under the wedding canopy, a man and a woman begin their new life of growth together. They are like the right and left hand of the same body, beginning to unite so that they can function as complementary parts of a complete whole. Becoming one is the purpose of marriage.
We believe and know that G-d is involved in the predestination of each unique pair, but free will remains an important factor. The decision to develop or not to develop the potential inherent in the G-d-given match lies with each person. So when a man and woman marry, the two half-souls recognize each other perfectly well. The trouble is with the two physical beings which are clothed in different garments. Each physical being brings with it its own set of different needs and peculiarities. The marriage was ordained in heaven, but must be carried out on earth with all its seemingly mundane challenges.
In the spiritual world, our souls may come from the same origin, but here on earth we must deal with the realities of our earthly lives, which usually have very dissimilar origins. Coming from different homes and environments, and possessing different personalities, capabilities, experiences, strengths, and weaknesses, we find that most of our characteristics do not fall into neat compartments of compatibility. These are just the raw materials with which each couple must work. The goal becomes to take these materials and to labor creatively to mold them into the harmonious ideal that is the very essence of what was foreseen when our marriage was made in heaven.
We need to understand that in marriages made in heaven there will always be challenges. Growth pangs can bring the two halves ever closer. Problems that bring pain must not be ignored. The Torah approach is to confront the issues, clarify the source of pain, and find out how best to treat it.
Although it stresses the sanctity of marriage, Judaism has always allowed for the possibility of divorce. This is a very sad occurrence, described by our Sages as a time when the “altar sheds tears.” The big problem today, though, is that we see unthinking couples considering divorce when they have never been given a true realization of what marriage is. The Torah approach is to confront the problematic issues, seek the guidance of rabbis and qualified, Torah-guided counselors, and opt for divorce only when all that remains of the bond between the couple are the halachic formalities.
The success of married life depends on the degree of motivation we have in making it successful. During a flush of disappointment, when feeling that our choice in husbands was mistaken, if we can grasp hold of the idea that our chosen partner was destined for us, then we will be more motivated to make the marriage work. Problems in marriage are signals, not to divorce, but to identify the problem more clearly and get to work on its resolution. Divorce should be only an absolutely last resort after exhausting all avenues of reconciliation.
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, of blessed memory, asks: What is the benefit of the voice from Heaven decreeing “So-and-so is for the daughter of so-and-so?” Does anyone hear it? He answers that a voice from Heaven is likened in Jewish law to prophecy, and every person is obligated to help fulfill the prophecy; in other words, to make the will of G-d happen so that “the daughter of so-and-so is for so-and-so” (Derash Moshe, Vayikra).
Under the wedding canopy we receive seven blessings. One of them is that our marriage should be filled with the kind of ecstatic joy experienced by the first married couple, Adam and Chava, in the Garden of Eden.
What was the nature of their bliss? When two people marry and conflicts inevitably arise, it’s common for doubts to cross their minds: “Perhaps if I had married someone else it would have been better for me?” Then, instead of working out their differences, they channel more energy into feelings of anger and disappointment at the serious mistake which seemingly took place.
Adam and Chava never wasted any time or energy wondering if they were right for each other. They were the only two people on earth, so it was absolutely clear to each of them that they were the appropriate spouses for one another. No doubts were ever entertained, and so all energies could be focused on making the marriage even better. Their commitment to each other was clearly an eternal one.
Each marriage, in our times, replicates the original marriage of Adam and Chava. If the name of our spouse was called out in Heaven forty days before our conception, surely our marriage has G-d’s seal of approval as much as the marriage of Adam and Chava did. And who didn’t experience the sense of G-d’s guiding hand leading her to her spouse?
An absolute belief that we were meant to be married to our spouse leads us to the awareness that is between us; that G-d has been guiding us, and will continue to guide us through the ups and downs and twists and turns of becoming one in our marriage. When will we be able to achieve the same joy as Adam and Chava? When the commitment to our spouse is absolute and unwavering.
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein writes: “A man must know that his belief in all that our Sages have said should be as if it were [a fact] that he knows. For example, our Sages said (Sotah 2a): Forty days before conception a Heavenly voice goes out and decrees ’the daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so.’ After a man marries it should be as clear to him as if he himself heard the Heavenly voice. And if his belief is pure and he does not credit coincidence and chance [for the match], then he will surely have eternal success and peace, because the word of G-d brings only good and peace and is eternal. But if he does not believe completely, and if he has even a small doubt that perhaps he married his spouse due to his actions or by chance, then he may get punished measure for measure, G-d forbid, and this is how he eventually comes to being separated, etc. This is how strongly we must believe in all the words of our Sages” (Drash Moshe, Vayechi).
To the degree that we accept our spouses as the ones intended for us by G-d, we will be able to save our energies for the more complicated and subtle art of making our marriages truly happy and vital ones.
Adapted from “Two Halves Of A Whole” by Rabbi Yirmiyohu & Tehilla Abramov. Available at www.jewishfamily.org