It all started one afternoon. I had this discomfort and chocking feeling, emptiness and fear. It was actually hard for me to breathe easily; I trembled and felt sharp pains. What was going on with me? I asked myself: “Why do I feel this way? I felt I had it all and yet I had nothing. I have a good job, a loving family; I’m all set. So why do I feel this way?”
I felt bad deep inside me. Something inside me made me want to shout. Where is this world leading me to? To where exactly do I run nonstop, without ever taking time to breathe? Another accomplishment, more money, another trip or purchase; I’m already full and satisfied with no room for more! Great sadness descended on me and I didn’t know what to do now.
All day this feeling stayed with me. I couldn’t sleep, nor could I breathe or function. I just shook with fear and felt a great tiredness and heaviness. In desperation I thought of things that might relieve me from feeling awful. Perhaps a class, maybe some volunteering; I had no idea what I was looking for; something inside me was shouting out for help. I found myself crying to G-d and asking Him to help me and save me for I felt the world was ending! I cried all that night and asked G-d to help me find what I was looking for, what my soul was thirsty for.
I started noticing that when I talked to G-d I was calm. I felt good. Something inside me opened up. I wanted to make myself stronger but how would I do it? I started watching the Hidabroot Channel and listening to Rabbi Zamir Cohen’s lectures which calmed me. Rabbi Yitzchak Fanger’s lectures gave me tools to cope and made me laugh! Rabbi Yigal Cohen’s lectures implanted in me a great feeling of faith and trust that there is nothing in the world but G-d! I grew up in a religious home and always did mitzvoth all my life discovered that I don’t know G-d! I have no idea what the purpose of the world is!
I did mitzvoth because that’s the way I was raised. I convinced myself that modesty wasn’t that important and stopped dressing modestly. I failed to understand the importance of why we are here in this world and what preparations we must make for the world to come.
I listened to more and more lectures of Torah and character development at any opportunity. While traveling, at home, waiting for a doctor appointment, basically everywhere I went. I began to feel happy and fortunate. I now understood the shouting inside me came from my soul that was covered with the grime of materialism to the point it was chocking. Breaking through the cracks in the grime it found a way to ask for what it was starving for. My soul was starving for spirituality.
Thank G-d today I keep the laws of modesty; I cover my head and work daily on my character traits. I work on doing mitzvoth happily and on serving G-d with fear of His greatness and with love. I found purpose in my life. I have a loving Father that watches over me all the time and He knows what the best is for me!
Today I’m a different person. I learned to let go. I’m calm and I don’t run after anything. Thank G-d I have everything I need. I give my soul its spiritual sustenance daily. I’m happy without being dependent on material things. I love G-d with all my being and every day I thank Him for allowing me to take this journey to get to know Him!
My advice: Give your soul its spiritual substance. Leave a Mussar (character development) book next to your bed and each night before going to sleep read just one paragraph. Pick a certain hour daily to listen to an empowering lecture from a rabbi. Take out just 5 minutes daily to learn some laws of guarding your tongue or do it on the bus or by suppertime.
All these small things will make a big difference!