It could happen to anyone. There you are, chilling in your La-Z-Boy recliner, sipping a martini from a crystal cocktail glass, relishing the latest bestseller by your favorite author, strains of Mozart’s Canzonetta Sull’aria wafting over you. Life is good. Then suddenly your wife jumps up from the couch and says excitedly, “Hey! Why don’t we uproot ourselves from this beautiful, comfortable home, spend months of torture looking for a new place to live, weeks of packing and unpacking without any sleep, and slowly and painfully go out of our minds?” After thoughtfully puffing on your pipe for a moment, you say, “You know, honey, you may be on to something. I think that might be good for us,” and before you know it, you are both sitting on the floor surrounded by the largest mountain range of boxes ever built by man, waiting for the movers to take them all away and for the men in white coats to come take you away. Your lives will become so topsy-turvy and your minds will so totally shut down from exhaustion that you can safely offer your wife the Crown Jewels and it will go right by her. “Honey, I decided to get you that diamond necklace you always wanted— you know the one the Queen of England really liked but couldn’t afford?” “Oh, a diamond necklace. How sweet, but I was really hoping for some boxes. I want boxes! I need boxes!” In professional lingo, this is justifiably
referred to as going completely out of your box. When your eagle eye spots an empty carton on the street, you are instantly competing for a gold medal in the International “Boxathon” Olympics as you wow the spectators with your diving, running, jumping, twisting and turning skills, just to get that box before the competition does—as if anyone else might possibly be interested in that box from the garbage bin.
Unfortunately, the box-spotting habit will never quite go away. “Wow, did you see that box? That’s the perfect size for our record collection.” “We moved 11 years ago, dear. I don’t really think we need the box anymore.” “Oh, that’s right. But can’t we just take it home for a little while?” And without exaggeration, you can have enough tape to stretch from Jerusalem to the far side of the Golden Gate Bridge with a two-hour stopover in London, but you will not be able to find one single roll of tape the night before the movers are scheduled to come. You could have enough tape to mummify the Statue of Liberty 30,000 times, but when it comes down to the wire at about midnight, when all the stores are closed, it’s “Did anyone see the tape?! We couldn’t possibly have run out, could we? I bought 2,000 rolls! We spent more on tape than on the new house! Who packed the tape?!” You will spend hours tenderly packing each of the cherished treasures you accumulated over the span of a lifetime. “Has anyone seen Mommy? I don’t know how to pack this genuine imitation clay urn we got for a steal at a flea market back in the eighties. After all these years, it’s still in mint condition. Mom was sound asleep near those boxes half an hour ago. Who packed Mommy?!” The exhaustion of packing around the clock is so great that your brains will turn to mush. You will place your precious household items in boxes, and in an organized and careful manner label the boxes with descriptions such as BGEEBF Room, UFO Parts, Mom, Stuff from the Floor, Misc. for Joe’s Room.
Unpacking using these labels will take twice as long as without the labels. “Sally, do we have a kid named Joe? Here’s a box with his stuff.” “Not that I know of, Bob. By the way, who’s Sally?” “I don’t know. Who’s Bob?” It is not uncommon to find two weeks’ worth of garbage carefully wrapped in bubble wrap when you unpack the FRAGILE box or a couple of slices of pizza still warming in the oven from two weeks ago. And of course, ultimately you must deal with the mover. “There are 50 boxes of books here, ma’am, and a dozen more in the other room. Yikes! When I work for Jews, I’m amazed that they always have so many books and most of them in a foreign language… And dishes! Boxes and boxes of them! Also labeled in languages I’ve never even seen! Isn’t one language enough? Well, at least if we drop some of these boxes, you’ll still have plenty of dishes to spare… “Oh, you have a piano? Sorry, we don’t do pianos. You need a special piano mover. Lucky for you, my brother the piano mover is available for a small additional fee… How small? Discuss it with him… Yes, I understand it’s a toy piano from a dollhouse, but hey, a piano’s a piano.” But when it comes down to moving day, just let them do their jobs. “Excuse me, Mr. Mover. Are you sure you can carry that box of antique family heirlooms by yourself? It looks pretty heavy to me…” “Not a problem, Mrs. Mushbrain, not a problem. It’s safe as can be up here on my shoulder. Now, about our tips…” In the back of my mind, I keep hearing what Winston Churchill used to say— “Keep calm and let them carry on.”