– I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
– Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool,so I gave him a glass of water.
– I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will remind me with, “Your password is incorrect.”
– Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
– I'm great at multi-tasking… I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
– If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
– Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
– Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
– Take my advice – I'm not using it.
– My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
– I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
– Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
– Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
– I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
– Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
– I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
– Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
– If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
– A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
– Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
– When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
– My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test… the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
– There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
– Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
– Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
– He who laughs last thinks slowest.
– Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
– Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
– I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
– Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
– The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
– I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
– I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
– If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
– Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
– If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
– Money is the root of all wealth.
– No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.